Confusion, Overreaction, and Contemplation

OK, let me start off by saying, "Yes, I am a woman. I know, as a woman, I am prone to overreact occasionally. I know I tend to over think things and look into things possibly farther than necessary." With this being said, Ryan and I watched The Last Kiss tonight. For those not familiar with the movie, it is about Zach Braff and his pregnant wife. He is faced with cheating and he indulges, his reasoning being that life was boring and he didn't see any excitement going forward.

Ryan said, I felt that way today. So, here is me, wondering if he feels the same way that the guy in the movie does, is he bored? Is there no more excitement left? Ok, he has been married, I never have. He has been pregnant before,well you know what I mean, I haven't. How is there no more excitement for him? I look forward at life and see mine beginning, does he see his ending? Is it the age difference? I don't know, I don't know how to feel but most of all, I just want to be able to talk this out with him. He never wants to talk. I feel like I have to drag and tug any bit of information out of him. I hate that feeling. Another thing that bothers me is how scared he gets when the topic of marriage comes up. He hates talking about any of it. If he truly sees being with me forever and we can talk about kids, why not marriage. I can't commit my whole life and livelihood to someone who cant even commit the be with only me.

I'm scared and here I find myself calling my mom or calling my best friend for someone to ask about what they think he is thinking. Why can't Ryan and I just talk about what he is feeling? In the movie, He's Just Not That Into You, there was a whole scene about how woman get together and basically just sugarcoat everything and it is completely the opposite of the truth. Wouldn't it then seem that instead of me just running to my girlfriends if we just talked we would both know the truth and possibly a little bit more about each other?

I don't know what to do. I want to be with Ryan but I want to know he wants me. I feel too clingy because I want affection. Then I don't want to be clingy to see if he will then be affectionate. I THEN feel like I am some kind of crazy person for putting so much thought into it. It sometimes seems to me a wonder how men and women can ever truly live together and be happy.

I love Ryan, I really do but it's just amazing to me just how frustrated I can get and it seems as though he is unaffected. I feel like I am the crazy girl who is all emotional and irrational, but I know this is not the case. I feel I am one of the few rational women I know. I try not to let my emotions get the best of me and instead of gossiping or flirting with other men, I am here, at home, in the other room typing my crazy thoughts so I don't have to express them. I guess in a way, this is my way of venting a little instead of bottling it up, I guess you could say this is more of spreading it out, giving just a little but enough so I don't explode.

What it really comes down to for me is this. I know my life is about to get vastly complicated and immensely stressful. I am getting ready to start school that will lead to my career. I am changing around my job, preparing like it was the damn Armageddon. I want to be prepared as much because I know there will be enough unexpected things that I might as well get the expected ones out of the way. I just need to know if he will be there. I can't fret about this type of stuff while I'm thinking about what kind of medication I need to give to a person with this type of bacterial infection. I will need to focus. I will either need to be alone or to have him on my side. Is it too much to ask?