Dont let the assholes get you down!

Why stay? Who cares? Does it really matter? It doesnt feel like the people in general really have that much empathy or sympathy or basic caring at all for those around them, it's about "what's best for me" and that's crap. Maybe I need to adopt more to this philosophy, but why change myself for those who dont give a DAMN what happens to anyone but themselves. I'm sick and tired of it. I know who my true friends are, I know who really cares, and I know who I care about and screw everyone else.......... I knwo it's a bit harsh, but I'm so sick and tired. I really do care about my friends I truly do. People mean more to me than anything else in this freakin world. A wise man once told me, why surround yourself around those things that make you unhappy. Another wise man told me to get all the crap out of my life, if something or some one isnt treating me right then screw them. It's the best philosophy, and my dad, yet another wise man always used to say "DONT LET THE ASSHOLES GET YOU DOWN" Easier said than done dad. But really that's the approach you must take in life. Don't let the things you can't control affect you. It's hard, but you can't let the negativity in life engulf you or you will perish. It's funny, I've been more productive than ever today at work, I've done my normal workload before lunch. Ha! Im sad, down and somewhat depressed today, but Im productive, ever heard the term "throw yourself into your work" well that's me today, I wish I could depart on my journey today. I'm done, done trying, done caring. It's time to leave this life behind and start anew. I can't leave now, I wish I could, but I can't. Too many obligations, I used to look at them as security, now they are the little annoyances I deal with constantly. I hate everything around me right now. I do nothing that brings me joy. Last nightI spent the night with the coolest girl I know, sure, I have to clean up her poop, but it's ok. That's prob the happiest I've been in awhile.....wow, pretty sad huh. Well, I hope my journey comes sooner than later, until then back to my mundane life.............................

self esteem

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practice all the things I would say
But she came overI lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I’m being used
That’s okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she’s playing with me
That’s okay cause I got no self esteem


We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
All this rejection’s got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her no


Chorus
When she’s saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she’s saying that I’m like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should speak up for myself
But I really think it’s better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care
Right?
yeah yeah yeah


Now I’ll relate this little bit
That happens more than I’d like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go
I may be dumb
But I’m not a dweeb
I’m just a sucker with no self esteem

so, here i am, starting over...... ugh..... I hate starting over. I get to be me... I get to do whatever I want, more or less, whenever I want, more or less. I'm living with Alex again, or should I say, for the first time, he was living with me prior. Im happy, sure I live in a one bedroom apt with my friend and his dad, have to share a bed, but I'm happy. I dont need a lot of room, nice things, my own room. All I need is security, food, and affection. I have a place to live, a good paying job, a car, food, and a best friend, a few really, Alex, Maddie and Amber, without these three I wouldn't be here, where I am today. I chopped off my hair and dyed it, Im ready for a change, ready to actually be 21, to actually experience life. Twice I almost gave up my youth for a guy, once I almost regret, and the other for the best. I still kind of feel alone, in a way, I dont have that love that only a significant other can give. But with Alex, I have an unmatched bond I really dont think I can get elsewhere. He gets me, I get him, I can cry to him, play videogames with him, gossip about guys, whatever. And he looks out for me, and hasn't EVER tried to get fresh, in fact quite the contrary.....long story....... if you really know me, you know the story, so for those that don't........ get to know me better... HA!, anyways. I go into this kinda scared, but happy and optimistic at the same time. I've only regretted one thing in my life. Probably the biggest mistake of my life, again, you'd know if you really knew me............ I dont know how to rectify it, is it beyond my grasp, I'm not sure, I dont want it to be..... maybe its time to let bygones be bygones. I dont think im ready for that tho. Maybe I have to be, maybe thats the larger lesson, maybe im supposed to suffer some, who knows..... I dont. Truth is Im scared to let go, maybe there's really nothing better, maybe I really screwed up. Maybe no one cares. Who knows. I dont, do you?

my life as told by radiohead

two jumps in a week i bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
flying on your motorcycle.
watching all the ground beneath you drop.
you'd kill yourself for recognition.
kill yourself to never ever stop.
you broke another mirror.
you're turning into something you are not.
don't leave me high
don't leave me dry
don't leave me high
don't leave me dry
drying up in conversation
you will be the one who cannot talk.
all your insides fall to pieces.
you just sit there wishing you could still make love.
they're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out.
they're the ones who'll spit at you.
you will be the one screaming out.
don't leave me high
don't leave me dry
don't leave me high
don't leave me dry
it's the best thing that you ever had.
The best thing you've had is gone away.
don't leave me high
don't leave me dry

June 28th

How do you know,
Which way to go
How many lies,
Ok,
Maybe not lies.
How many half truths?
Where is the line?
Between
Honest and lie
Who determines this line
What makes them
Qualified
I've tried to just hide
And not look at the problems
Seeing the world
Through rose colored glasses
Time passes,
The glasses crack,
And bend, and break.
It shakes me up
To be so blind
To this world
So weak
So naïve
Like a newborn
Brought screaming into this life
To a world not ready
If I am so great
Why do I hate
Myself at times
Things suck
Why should I dwell
On those who do not give a fuck
I care…..
Why do I
There is no need
I just need to feed
This monkey on my back
People pleaser
That's me
Other's happiness
Before my own
I zone
Out and think of the bliss
Everyday I miss
Must find it on my own
No one
I feel
Can love me
The way I love them
I fear
More than anything
Myself
Or the lack thereof
Who am I
Do you know
I try
Not to let it show
I'm lost
Im playing polo
Without my marco
Just waiting
To be found
I do not feel
I ever will be
Just lost
Aimlessly
In this so called life
I'm just a stepford
Except not a wife

ninety-?

"It's a bittersweet symphony, this life."

If You Must

It's important to practice good hygiene
At least if you wanna run with my team
I'm bout to get into some shit that I've seen
This fool's breath, I mean so bad it'll melt your ice cream
They say don't say nothing if you can't say nice things
Sittin too close to him it burned(?) like my eyes sting
I try to be subtle, hand him a stick of gum
I was a victim of breath on him
Running his yap about what sets he from
Gotta get some gum gotta get him some
He turned it down, his teeth was brown
Excruciating for him and it was a new sensation
I had to ask the dope to pass the soap
Cuz his toe had the sniff of crustaceans
Or bathrooms in a bus station
He had a can of Olde E and some raisins
Amazing... head to toe B.O.
He didn't know, used to the fragrance
Just as the days went without bathing
He felt manly and not like a maiden
He had one dread, and fungus
Said he worked on peoples' toilets with plungers
Girls let the guy you were with ????
So guys take your cue from this number

You gotta wash your ass, if you mustYou gotta wash your hair, if you mustYou gotta brush your teeth, if you mustOr else you'll be funkyyyyyyyy

Now at class you need total concentration
But there's kids in the back holdin conversations
Crackin on each other, and neither were poster boys
Both of em smell like the type that soap avoids
Coast and Joy, they leave their absence
One's fool's feet smelled like it struck some matchsticks
Brimstone, girls would never bring him home
I was laughin, then his friend raised his tone
And said, "Bud(?) you rolled all over yourself" "yeaaa"
I know some people your ass should be submerged
Like you need to deal with water cuz you smell like a turd
Wanna cap get some courage, your feet smell lurid
Well look it up
And while you're at it, get a cup
And squeeze the sweat out your sweatshirt and drink it or gargle
You get our vote for most stinkiest
That nigga started thinkin of shit, said I was frailI said he was stale
Underarms is ripe
Undergarments tight, about to leap out your holy sweats
And we holdin bets, and after this I'm gonna collect
Nigga check, yourself
Respect yourself
And wash your mothafuckin body 'fore your sweatshirt melt
Like radioactive, no lady find you attractive
The funk got you captive
You don't need a map bitch

You gotta wash your ass, if you mustYou gotta wash your hair, if you mustYou gotta brush your teeth, if you mustOr else you'll be funkyyyyyyyy

- Del, The Funky Homosapien