Patience is a Virtue

I've come to the realization that I am not a very patient person, not necessarily when it comes to serious things, but things I want. This isn't a good thing, but how do you learn patience, it takes patience to learn something, so how do you learn patience. Perhaps there is no hope for me yet. Oh well. I can't wait for school, the opportunity to use my brain, learn new things, better myself, get me outta this funk. I'm only taking online classes for the summer, but I think it will help break me in, I know i can be more. I feel as though my adolescence is ending and now I have to be an adult. I use to fantasize about being a dance teacher. When I was younger, though, for as long as I can remember I actually wanted to be a pediatrician. I want this so bad because I love children, helping people and making a difference. I felt confident, went to seminars, found financial aid info, the whole nine yards, but then, in my junior year I thought dance teacher. I have never been as passionate about anything in my life, I love dancing, without it I feel like part of me is missing, but over the last few years I realized. I need to do things for me, but ultimately what do I want. I want a family. I want a good man to love, adorable children, a real life. If that's the case how to I get there? I need a good job, I need to be responsible for myself and the ones I love, and that means that my passion can't be my job, I won't make enough money at it. It doesn't mean it can't be a part of my life though. If I go back into my original goal, medicine I can afford to build a room for me to dance in, it wont' be the same, but really what's more important, a dream or reality? If I go for dance, which I still could, I will be happy and have a family, but I might end up having to work two jobs, then I have my passion, dance, but not my love, my family. I'm really torn. I know I'm going to choose nursing, but it kinda makes me sad, like I'm letting myself down, but I think that when you're young dreams are dreams, very few of us can actually make a decent living at what they love. And even those few "lucky" individuals have to sacrifice something, it's like to the song Ben's always listening to by Brother Ali that talks about him going on the road, he says it's for his kid but he doesn't believe its entirely true. (Ben's a lot better at working in music quotes than me..........oh well, I tried) I feel that as I grow older I start to think more about what will make me happy in the long run rather than just today. I think I'm better for it and I can tell those around me that I love are happy that I'm going into nursing. On one hand it feels like this was a period of almost self-exploration and it's coming to a close, and it's sad, but I think it will make me a better, stronger, more responsible person. I know the change is happening gradually, I can't wait for the day, when I'm completely self-reliant and can stand on my own two feet, without my family's help, although I do love them so and appreciate them. I want independence, I want a career, I want to prepare for my life. I was so lost for so long, I couldn't see the bigger picture. I feel now that I can. I can't take all the credit for this epiphany, I really think that Ben has had a lot to do with me growing up, I really appreciate him. My head was in the clouds, but now I feel as though I"m seeing clearly for the first time in a long time.

LongView

Lately my life has seemed like the Green Day song.

I GOT NO MOTIVATION WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION NO TIME FOR THE MOTIVATION SMOKING MY INSPIRATION

Yea, that hits a little too close to home. When I try to stay motivated, I become more motivated, less depressed, and accomplish more, so why can't I just do it? It's always hard, but gratifying. I need to get out of my funk, I need obstacles, I need to struggle, these things, I just realized keep me being me. I will always take on more than I think I can handle, more than other people think I can handle, the weird thing is, that's when I'm the happiest, when I have to fight for any free second I get. It's weird, I know. I'm easily inspired and pretty well focused once I set my mind to something. I just need to find my groove again, I tihnk I will make it.........do you?

AHHHHHH

its ridiculously busy here at work today, i only have 2 more minutes on my break, it sucks, there's SO much to do, so little time. Tomorrow I meet my little sister Shantay, not sure how to spell that, I'm excited and scaried, I'm supposed to be the role model.... hmmph, i dont even know if I would look upto me. :(

Sea Lion

There was once a 13 year old girl, surfing in Australia, who was attacked by a 880 lb. Sea Lion. The Sea Lion was trying to play with her and someone got hurt. It was the girl. She now has a broken jaw and is sanz 3 teeth. This is a story worthy of the "World News Leader."

www.cnn.com

Devil's Spit

I recently started my second job at Harkins, it sucks, but how fun can fetching popcorn be? I get free movies which i love. I really mean it, I LOVE movies, it's the only reason i stay there. I went to Famous Dave's last night during my lunch at Harkins and talked to my old friend Jeremy, I had a few drinks and talked to some old friends at Famous Dave's. To be honest, I loved my job at Famous Dave's. I met people on a daily basis, made good money, had good friends. I mean, after all, it was Jeremy that got me to dump my old boyfriend, the crazy verbally abusive one "Luis". He didn't tell me to per se, but he opened my eyes to the abusiveness and heartache I was facing every day for nearly two years. So I decided to end it, that's when I met the next crazy one. They all knew him, which is my conflict with this decision. I left Famous Dave's because of him "Cameron", they all thought he was too out there and weird and even scary...yes SCARY for me. But it was an act, yes he was different, but nice. Well, to an extent, very naive and imature, not right at all for me, but nonetheless, I left the job I loved, which I had held steadily for nearly a year and a half, to this downward spiral of only working at jobs for a couple weeks, calling in all the time, fleeing from my obligations, not paying my bills or filing my taxes, which I am now trying to recover from, its hard, it really is. It was nice, an escape from reality, but that's all it was in the end.... fleeting. I'm not stuck with the reality, I'm grossly in debt, filing back taxes for which I'm sure I will owe penalties... at least for state, and stuck with crappy credit that wont go away for 7 years and unpaid student loans, that I only owe on cuz I also droppped out of school during this spell. I resent myself for being SO irresponsible, for awhile I resented him too, but it's not him, I let myself get caught up in something that wasn't in my best interest because it was fun and then
I tried to help motivate him and help him, it took all my stamina and motivation and for what? nothing. My mom's right, I need to look out for my best interests, and that's what I'm trying to do now. As I digress, with Famous Dave's, it scares me, I would like to try it out again, I love serving, but I'm taking on so much responsiblity,and I don't know if serving is the best option for a secong job, on one hand it would be a heck of a lot more money, and I think that would help me with a social outlet, but just being there yesterday, people asking questions about my "former life" was off putting. That's the reason I quit, his life is NOT my life, now more than ever. I'm sure if I went back it would eventually go away, after awhile anyways. I want to go in with Ben, because my life now is better, it's with him, its more focused, more responsible, more ..... well better. I want him to get to know all these people that were nice to me, there for me, good friends to me. They are good people, and I'm happy with Ben, I'm happy with my life now, I feel like if I bring him there, I just might be able to feel more comfortable there, not constantly being reminded of a time, frankly, I just don't want to be reminded of. I know I'm scared to go back. I really enjoyed it, all the reasons I left are gone, no more mean rude managers, no more crazy ex or crazy boyfriend, just the job I used to love. I like serving, I loved it there, heck it's where I met a lot of my good friends, Jeremy, Sarah, and Lauren. They are still my friends after like 3 or 4 years. That's a long time for co-worker friendships. I'm torn, that's my problem lately, I'm not sure where I'm going, I just know where I've been and I don't want to go back to. I have a good steady job I like and I feel i'm good at. I just don't know where to go from here. I liked the upbeat atmosphere of Famous Dave's cuz let's face it, I'm an upbeat person....most of the time.

whistle while you work?

i don't know where the idea of being cheerful because you are working came from, but nonetheless, I've been pretty content while at work lately. I'm working two jobs one at DHL attempting to refrain from screaming at customers who are calling to ship a package to/from Haiti, and at Harkins, helping customer obtain the smallest amount of butter on their truckload of popcorn, along with their 5 pounds of candy and large diet coke, because you know thet are tryig to watch their figure............. they don't need to EVERYONE else can see it. But, I'm not bitter, I am tired tho. Ben and I FINALLY broke some ground on cleaning our apartment while inadvertantly dodging the Mormons who helped us move in our bigass entertainment center. I don't think I'm a bad person for avoiding them am I? It would really be a waste of mine and their time...... no matter what they say, I enjoy my occasional Smirnoff, and I'm not going to "drink the water." I've had my fill of the Mormon influence, thank you. Things have been picking up, I'm going to start school soon, become a Big Sister, and have a little one running around here pretty soon, I'm happy where I am, where we are. I look forward to all the upcoming challenges, I think it will help me to become the responsible adult I so long to be. I need to grow up more. I want to be self-relient, and be the one my family comes to when they run a little short on cash, not the other way around. I want to get in touch with my friends, I just really want to get back in touch with my life.......... So for now, I guess, I will just wait....... wait for things to get better...... I just hope it comes soon.