Devil's Spit

I recently started my second job at Harkins, it sucks, but how fun can fetching popcorn be? I get free movies which i love. I really mean it, I LOVE movies, it's the only reason i stay there. I went to Famous Dave's last night during my lunch at Harkins and talked to my old friend Jeremy, I had a few drinks and talked to some old friends at Famous Dave's. To be honest, I loved my job at Famous Dave's. I met people on a daily basis, made good money, had good friends. I mean, after all, it was Jeremy that got me to dump my old boyfriend, the crazy verbally abusive one "Luis". He didn't tell me to per se, but he opened my eyes to the abusiveness and heartache I was facing every day for nearly two years. So I decided to end it, that's when I met the next crazy one. They all knew him, which is my conflict with this decision. I left Famous Dave's because of him "Cameron", they all thought he was too out there and weird and even scary...yes SCARY for me. But it was an act, yes he was different, but nice. Well, to an extent, very naive and imature, not right at all for me, but nonetheless, I left the job I loved, which I had held steadily for nearly a year and a half, to this downward spiral of only working at jobs for a couple weeks, calling in all the time, fleeing from my obligations, not paying my bills or filing my taxes, which I am now trying to recover from, its hard, it really is. It was nice, an escape from reality, but that's all it was in the end.... fleeting. I'm not stuck with the reality, I'm grossly in debt, filing back taxes for which I'm sure I will owe penalties... at least for state, and stuck with crappy credit that wont go away for 7 years and unpaid student loans, that I only owe on cuz I also droppped out of school during this spell. I resent myself for being SO irresponsible, for awhile I resented him too, but it's not him, I let myself get caught up in something that wasn't in my best interest because it was fun and then
I tried to help motivate him and help him, it took all my stamina and motivation and for what? nothing. My mom's right, I need to look out for my best interests, and that's what I'm trying to do now. As I digress, with Famous Dave's, it scares me, I would like to try it out again, I love serving, but I'm taking on so much responsiblity,and I don't know if serving is the best option for a secong job, on one hand it would be a heck of a lot more money, and I think that would help me with a social outlet, but just being there yesterday, people asking questions about my "former life" was off putting. That's the reason I quit, his life is NOT my life, now more than ever. I'm sure if I went back it would eventually go away, after awhile anyways. I want to go in with Ben, because my life now is better, it's with him, its more focused, more responsible, more ..... well better. I want him to get to know all these people that were nice to me, there for me, good friends to me. They are good people, and I'm happy with Ben, I'm happy with my life now, I feel like if I bring him there, I just might be able to feel more comfortable there, not constantly being reminded of a time, frankly, I just don't want to be reminded of. I know I'm scared to go back. I really enjoyed it, all the reasons I left are gone, no more mean rude managers, no more crazy ex or crazy boyfriend, just the job I used to love. I like serving, I loved it there, heck it's where I met a lot of my good friends, Jeremy, Sarah, and Lauren. They are still my friends after like 3 or 4 years. That's a long time for co-worker friendships. I'm torn, that's my problem lately, I'm not sure where I'm going, I just know where I've been and I don't want to go back to. I have a good steady job I like and I feel i'm good at. I just don't know where to go from here. I liked the upbeat atmosphere of Famous Dave's cuz let's face it, I'm an upbeat person....most of the time.