What's a reading mall?

Pennsylvannia was a blast. I saw squirrels and bunnies, played volleyball, football, drank seagrams, ate some good home made food, got to meet like 30-40 possible inlaws. Everyone was nice, I got to sleep in EVERY day, go bargain shopping, hang out with Maddie and Ben's parents. Get lost on the way back from my philly cheesesteak. Spend a ton of money and have a blast. It was what I feel i needed to get back on my feet. Now I'm full time work (with a promotion), online school, and helpin my babe take care of his little goober, and no money. Suprisingly enoguh Im optimistic, I'm happy, and I think together we will pull through. Im happy where I am, with you I am, and with who I'm with. I really do love Ben. He's been a very positive influence in my life. I wouldn't be able to be where I am now if it weren't for him.

from chaos comes clarity

I'm so excited to start school online. I miss that part of me, things have been hard for me lately, I feel as though I have been taking it out on those near me, and it's not fair, I don't mean to. I feel bad for it. I think that going back to school will perk me up a bit and help me get that part of me back, help me be ok with me and where I am and what I'm doing. I always fixate myself on solving other peoples problems that rarely deal with mine. I spoke to my mom last night and it was awesome, for once she helped me, unbiasedly and actually got me thinking clearly, about myself. She's always telling me to look out for me and not other people so much, which is funny cuz I learned this from her.... HA! She's the same way, but she got me to see that it's not that people around me are letting me down, I'm letting me down. I'm not wiling to help myself do anything, and that's horrible. I've lost my motivation, my drive, my ability to pick myself up and just be happy, and that is no one's responsibility but my own. She told me that I have so many people who care about me: family, my friends, and most of all, Ben. She said that she's always been astounded by my ability to pick myself up when most people would just quit, and she said she doesn't know anyone else who cares about the well being of others more than I do. She really made me feel better, it's really amazing to me, she's always helped me when I'm said, but last night I realized what's been wrong with me these past few months, and I'm trying...... I know the problem now. I think getting back in school and taking dance will help me do something for me....... I promise babe, I'm trying....... I promise that I won't ever stop caring or trying with us.

:) :)

Yesterday I spent the day with Ben and Kaylyn, it was SO much fun, we had a blast, Ben has really made this transition easy for me which is amazing considering everything he's got on his plate. I really appreciate him, I am totally looking forward to the court decision, I can't wait. She's a blast, and it's an amazing feeling knowing that we are going to be able to shape another human being, teaching her morals, values, ethics.........everything. Obviously it won't be just us, her mom and whoever she's with will as well. It's just an amazing feeling knowing you directly have that much of an effect on how someone views the world, views disappointment, happiness, views hardships, views anything that life will throw at her, it's a huge responsibility, but it's one I look forward to, I am glad that I can be a part of it. I really appreciate being able to be a part of it :) And I have Ben to thank for that :)

Quote for Ben & Kathy

"In the past I've been obsessed with things that have already happened, are going to happen or might happen. And I've gotten used to the fact that there seems to always be some place I'd rather be." -Conor Oberst

...

"The Dancer believes that his art has something to say which cannot be expressed in words or in any other way than by dancing... there are times when the simple dignity of movement can fulfill the function of a volume of words. There are movements which impinge upon the nerves with a strength that is incomparable, for movement has power to stir the senses and emotions, unique in itself. This is the dancer's justification for being, and his reason for searching further for deeper aspects of his art." ~Doris Humphrey, 1937

i miss it.......... i miss the part of me i could express through dance, i miss the fun, the laughter, the hard work ,the dedication, i miss knowing that I could make something so beautiful and be graceful and beautiful if only for that moment. I just miss it........

:)

Last night was fun. It's been awhile since we've had people over, awhile since I've really been social. It started off kinda weird, i guess most gatherings kinda do, but i had fun. I wish everyone would just come all at once, instead of little by little, but it's always that way i suppose. I'm just glad I have such good friends, that still come through for me when they could probably be out somewhere getting totally drunk like most 21 year olds. It's just not for me, I feel as though I kinda lost those years,I kinda skipped them. I really think it started with my ex. I moved out, got engaged, got unengaged, and then was kinda forced to grow up when I fell on my butt cuz I statred needing to pay real bills. On one hand it's a blessing and at the same time a curse. Oh well, I'm happy where I am. :) Happy with who I am, and happy with where I'm going. I feel good :) We are going to watch Spiderman at my recent former job. Yikes, technically I still haven't quit or been fired, so we'll see how that goes, I will probably get stopped (if I'm seen) and be told, we are going to need to talk....... But what can they say, you with your money there, leave we don't want your money......yea right, I mean come on, it's Harkins, that's gonna happen. I really want a bunch of people to come tonight, I kinda miss the old days, going out with a group of people, having a bunch of people to talk to..... Just having fun. Don't get me wrong I have fun now, just different kinds of fun. Ben and I have a lot of fun joking around, playing games, movies, whatever. No matter what he can always make me smile. :) See......just thinking about him.... :) I'm really excited to see Kaylyn this weekend, she's SO cute and SO much fun, it's awesome, I love to see how he's SO happy when he's with her. Truly happy. Im learning the guitar, I really like it a lot, Ben's SO good, and I like learning something from him, he looks so cute when he's trying to show me.......... I suck tho. Hopefully I will get better tho! :)