from chaos comes clarity

I'm so excited to start school online. I miss that part of me, things have been hard for me lately, I feel as though I have been taking it out on those near me, and it's not fair, I don't mean to. I feel bad for it. I think that going back to school will perk me up a bit and help me get that part of me back, help me be ok with me and where I am and what I'm doing. I always fixate myself on solving other peoples problems that rarely deal with mine. I spoke to my mom last night and it was awesome, for once she helped me, unbiasedly and actually got me thinking clearly, about myself. She's always telling me to look out for me and not other people so much, which is funny cuz I learned this from her.... HA! She's the same way, but she got me to see that it's not that people around me are letting me down, I'm letting me down. I'm not wiling to help myself do anything, and that's horrible. I've lost my motivation, my drive, my ability to pick myself up and just be happy, and that is no one's responsibility but my own. She told me that I have so many people who care about me: family, my friends, and most of all, Ben. She said that she's always been astounded by my ability to pick myself up when most people would just quit, and she said she doesn't know anyone else who cares about the well being of others more than I do. She really made me feel better, it's really amazing to me, she's always helped me when I'm said, but last night I realized what's been wrong with me these past few months, and I'm trying...... I know the problem now. I think getting back in school and taking dance will help me do something for me....... I promise babe, I'm trying....... I promise that I won't ever stop caring or trying with us.