The Game of Love

Things have been pretty exciting lately. It's funny. The friends around me are all going through different stages current;y in their life......but I suppose that's life right? One friend is getting married, one already married, one possibly ending a 5 year long relationship, and then there's me. I'm taking the next big step and moving in with Ryan. I think it's exciting. I haven't lived with anyone in about 2 years.....well a boyfriend anyway. The last time I was this happy was well...I'm not even sure if I can say with Cameron because I really don't know if I'm happier with Ryan....I think I am. Ryan gets me. It's like I used to sit and think about how I wanted to be treated, what I wanted a guy to say, to do, to not do. It's like he does all those things. I always used to complain that guys always like my friends or I'm their second choice but Ryan has liked me for months before we went out and he kept trying...I love that. I think had I said yes earlier I don't think it would have worked out because I would have missed out on such valuable lessons. He text me today to ask me how my day was. He surprised me with flowers and the best part, the part that makes me think he might be the one for me is that he is strong where I am weak. He pushes me in the areas I can improve and won't let me get away with things that other people do.

I think that if people truly care for you, they will tell you when you're wrong. They will push you just enough to watch you succeed, but in the end you will know that it was you that accomplished those goals.

Too often have I been an enabler, as I'm frequently called. I push people in areas I think they need help, but it is me that is doing all the work, when I leave, they crumble. With Ryan, he pushes me to do things on my own, if he were ever to leave, and I hope he won't, I would feel motivated, stronger, and keeping in line with the building metaphor, restructured and more supported.

So, let's start with the beginning...shall we?



It's funny, with Cameron, the thought of marriage never crossed my mind until he popped the question. I was happy in that moment and I said yes. If I could have frozen that moment in time, it would have worked, but the fact of the matter is he was what I needed then, but not forever. I needed him to live my spirits and let me know that not all men are like Luis.

With Luis I learned that you can't make someone who and what you want them to be. People are who they are and will only change and better themselves if it is what they want to do. I learned that I need to stick up for myself. I learned that everyone has good in them but some people have been so hurt that they will not allow themselves to be helped. We can only do so much for people until it takes so much out of us that we lose who we really are. Cameron was in most ways the complete opposite of Luis.

I needed Cameron to feel pretty and loved and most of all have fun. I needed surprises. I needed excitement. Cameron was still a boy waiting to grow up. He had his childhood basically taken from him and so when he ventured out onto his own, the world was just a playground for him. He needed to be wild, let it out. He was not ready to settle down and who knows if and when he will ever be. He has changed. I have changed. We are not the people who we were then, but if it was not for him, Ben would have broken me.

I realized to that I needed Ben. Ben taught me what cheating feels like. I learned that you don't have to physically do anything with someone else to be cheating. Sometimes, talking, looks, thoughts can be just as bad or maybe worse. Ben taught me how I wronged Cameron. I never did anything with Aaron but the amount that we hung out, the way I spoke of him, the way I thought about him made it very clear. I can say that I wasn't happy in that relationship. I can say a lot of things but I think I needed to be hurt and feel how Ben made me feel to truly learn my lesson. And as with any lesson learned, it's always 3 times harder done to me than I did to them. I'm still to this day dealing with the crap Ben put me through. I'm still living with my mistake. But....as everything man related in my life is tied....so is the situation with Ben. Had Ben not cheated on me, I never would have met Ryan.

I met Ryan through Bryce. They are roommates. They are roommates because Bryce's ex cheated on him, so he left the apartment they had together and got a roommate. He was cheated on by his ex because she was cheating with Ben. I met Bryce over the phone when I called to talk to Ben about breaking the lease. Bryce and I began talking because, well we were in the exact situation with the same people even. I hated his ex, he hated mine. He paid for her kid, I paid for Ben's. We became friends and he introduced me to Ryan. I was hating men at this time and didn't want to talk to any guy. I looked at my message from Ryan back in June of '08 that asked how to add me as a friend. We didn't start dating til October of '08. He kept trying. Apparently he felt I was worth it. :)

I remember it like it was yesterday....ok totally cliche but really I have a vivid memory. Anywho, I was at Regal. It was Ciera's birthday and a guy she was not that into (a subtle reference) was there throwing a big to do. He had Big Daddy stop the music so we could sing. There was cake, shots of tequila and a furry gorilla...I think it was a gorilla. I was having shots of tequila remember, I'm amazed I remember this much. Anyway, I was there talking to Ryan. I was saying, "look, there is me...well me in guy form. He likes her, he does all he can and yet she doesn't want him".....(I'm taking a time out here....I agree with Ciera, but at this time, this is how I felt, so bear with me. Ciera, I love you) ok, so I'm saying, "this is always how it happens, one person is infatuated and one can't stand the other. This is why I'm alone. No one wants me, they want my friends." Just then I got a glimpse of this guy Jeremy from highschool. I told Ryan, "I used to like this guy and we were great friends but watch. I will walk up to him and he will have no idea of who I am." Ryan thought I was wrong but I wasn't. To make a long story short, I kept on drunken babbling to him. He left around midnight. I left around two and I called him, as he had said before he left, "You have my number, you should use it sometime."
He talked to me the entire way home and I realized he was not just a goofy guy like I had thought. He was more. We went on a date and that was it. I was smitten.....


forgive me for the sudden jump to the future but this is my finishing previous draft day.... I smiled when I read this. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. What I remember the most was on our first date I said, "When I meet a guy, I'm pretty much just waiting for it to suck." It was totally true. He said he wasn't in a hurry and here we are. I love him more than any guy ever. I think he's the one. I could see having kids with him....in due time.

As I read about the crappy guys up top, I got tense in my back, reading about Ryan relaxed me and I believe that to be a metaphor for my dating life so far.