Confusion, Overreaction, and Contemplation

OK, let me start off by saying, "Yes, I am a woman. I know, as a woman, I am prone to overreact occasionally. I know I tend to over think things and look into things possibly farther than necessary." With this being said, Ryan and I watched The Last Kiss tonight. For those not familiar with the movie, it is about Zach Braff and his pregnant wife. He is faced with cheating and he indulges, his reasoning being that life was boring and he didn't see any excitement going forward.

Ryan said, I felt that way today. So, here is me, wondering if he feels the same way that the guy in the movie does, is he bored? Is there no more excitement left? Ok, he has been married, I never have. He has been pregnant before,well you know what I mean, I haven't. How is there no more excitement for him? I look forward at life and see mine beginning, does he see his ending? Is it the age difference? I don't know, I don't know how to feel but most of all, I just want to be able to talk this out with him. He never wants to talk. I feel like I have to drag and tug any bit of information out of him. I hate that feeling. Another thing that bothers me is how scared he gets when the topic of marriage comes up. He hates talking about any of it. If he truly sees being with me forever and we can talk about kids, why not marriage. I can't commit my whole life and livelihood to someone who cant even commit the be with only me.

I'm scared and here I find myself calling my mom or calling my best friend for someone to ask about what they think he is thinking. Why can't Ryan and I just talk about what he is feeling? In the movie, He's Just Not That Into You, there was a whole scene about how woman get together and basically just sugarcoat everything and it is completely the opposite of the truth. Wouldn't it then seem that instead of me just running to my girlfriends if we just talked we would both know the truth and possibly a little bit more about each other?

I don't know what to do. I want to be with Ryan but I want to know he wants me. I feel too clingy because I want affection. Then I don't want to be clingy to see if he will then be affectionate. I THEN feel like I am some kind of crazy person for putting so much thought into it. It sometimes seems to me a wonder how men and women can ever truly live together and be happy.

I love Ryan, I really do but it's just amazing to me just how frustrated I can get and it seems as though he is unaffected. I feel like I am the crazy girl who is all emotional and irrational, but I know this is not the case. I feel I am one of the few rational women I know. I try not to let my emotions get the best of me and instead of gossiping or flirting with other men, I am here, at home, in the other room typing my crazy thoughts so I don't have to express them. I guess in a way, this is my way of venting a little instead of bottling it up, I guess you could say this is more of spreading it out, giving just a little but enough so I don't explode.

What it really comes down to for me is this. I know my life is about to get vastly complicated and immensely stressful. I am getting ready to start school that will lead to my career. I am changing around my job, preparing like it was the damn Armageddon. I want to be prepared as much because I know there will be enough unexpected things that I might as well get the expected ones out of the way. I just need to know if he will be there. I can't fret about this type of stuff while I'm thinking about what kind of medication I need to give to a person with this type of bacterial infection. I will need to focus. I will either need to be alone or to have him on my side. Is it too much to ask?

Tucson?

So Ryan and I were talking last night and he let me know that there might be a manager getting fired at the Tucson store. Ryan is next in line to get his own store. "I would have to take it, to be company minded," he said. In all reality, it would be a smart move. It would be $40-60,00 a year. He said he would get an expense account and an $800 a month vehicle allowance. He would really need to take it. I am just worried. I mean, my program is here. I don't think it is available in Tucson. He said he would pay off the rest of the lease here and live there. I said I couldn't afford nursing school without this program. He said if he asked me to move there with him, at that point it would be a "we" thing. We could afford nursing school. He said he would just need to move up his timeline "plans" a little bit. I think he plans on marrying me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I'm happier than I think I have ever been but part of me is hesitant. I suppose it's always like that. I love the outdoors, Ryan doesn't. It is as much a part of me as dancing, as playing video games, as art. I feel as I would be giving up a part of myself. I love to hike. I want to have family camping expeditions like I did as a kid. I want to go exploring, to be adventurous and just pack up and leave at a moments notice like mom and dad did. It's not that I feel he wouldn't do it with me, it's just that in 6 months, we never have. He has bad knees. He needs to get a knee replacement, what if he can't ever do that, physically, ever? I know he is good to me. We both have our tempers sometimes, but we never go to bed angry. I already know he would make a great dad; there's no issue there. I just didn't think he actually thought about marriage with me. When I was with Cameron, I gave up my school, I almost moved to Washington because it's what he wanted. I want what I want. I want my family and I can't imagine how I could possibly afford nursing school without the Banner program. I'm scared. I'm happy and thrilled he wants to marry me but at the same time I'm terrified. Is this how it's supposed to be. It wasn't with Cameron, but we were both just stupid crazy spontaneous kids and we all know how that ended. He took his time and place in my heart and I cherish the time we had together but it passed. I think I really needed it. Now I think I really need someone serious, serious about settling down, starting a family. I want to be a mom. I want to be a wife. I think I'm ready, but I still don't know...

My Life...to date

SO today I took what I believe to be my first steps toward a better life. I went to Banner for volunteer orientation. I got some tests ran and in a few weeks will be cleared to work. I will be working with patients and nurses. I was told that given my interest and future career goals, I may get to experience more than a normal volunteer. I can't wait. I already feel like it's more permanent. I told Ryan, I have always changed my mind. I have always given up for whatever reason, this time feels different. He said maybe all I needed was the love of a good man.

I am reminded of a metaphor and poem Maddie once wrote me. It said, well I'm not quite as poetic as she but it said that I was a rose. It said when I'm single I'm in bloom. I give piece and petal of myself slowly to each man I come in contact with. They remove all of my petals and left is a wilting stem, and they are no longer drawn to my former beauty. Well, Ryan is instead helping me bloom. I feel smarter, prettier, and happier than I can ever remember. I can do this.....

Why did I ever let jerks make me forget I was?

change

I'm getting ready to move in with Ryan on Saturday. I'm excited and yet scared. It's been awile...ok 2 years since I have lived lived with a guy. It's only natural to be worried, right? I found a note from an anonymous party to ryan saying to call them. I want to ask him but I don't want to be the snoopy girlfriend. I decided I am just going to ask him when he gets home tonight. I know ryan loves me and wouldn't do anything under the table but I'm scared. Can you really blame me. We are signing the lease Saturday..... so this makes me laugh. I decided today was my finish unfinished draft day. This day was funny. It was bryce's br othrt and it makes me laugh to think of how insecure I was thwn. I'm reading this fully aware of how I was seriously worried and how looking back....just how irrational it really was. Ryan is a good man :)

She's Just Going to Break Your Heart

So I was sitting at Coffee Rush and I started thinking back to particular relationship I had. You know the saying your loved ones say when you date a person they feel won't actually care bout you. "He's just going to break your heart." I can almost hear those words echoing in my ear from my younger days. Now, you don't really hear this if the guy or gal you are dating is just flat out rude or disrespectful. The words then would be more like "He's a jerk. You should just break up with him. I'm talking about the times you are dating those way more advanced in one degree or another. Guys would say that when their buddy meets up with an older seductress. This is what you are told when you are the goody two shoes that is dating the risk taking adventurer. I feel I was on the both sides of this story at one point in time.

I remember that is what Mike told me, only not i such cheesy words. It was more along the lines of his sister thinking I was not right for him and it would only upset him and make him sad. It's funny because, tome, I am relatively the same in any relationship at the beginning. I enjoy being myself. I think you can tell the person who is not right for you because you can't be yourself. I started that relationship like I did with Ben and Cameron. The difference was him. He was uncomfortable around bunches of people. Keep in mind, to him, this is 6 people. When I had a party, remember, tome this equates to about, um, 10 people. So it is by no means an extreme, out of control party. He felt uncomfortable and sat in my room and pouted. I realized at that point that I really just had no tolerance for this. I was like, "really?"

Exhibit B is the sex. I am by no means an expert. I don't whore it up, but no joke; our first time was 2 minutes, maybe. Afterward, I kid you not, he asked me, "Was that the best you've ever had?" If you know me, you then know that I am not a quiet person. Those who know me a bit better than that, which is no one reading this but then you REALLY know. I'm not a quiet person...in bed. If it was the best I ever had. I would have woken up every neighbor for like a half a block, and I might be unconscious. You would go outside to have a cigarette and your downstairs neighbor would give you a fist pound. You might ask, how do you know this. I answer, because that is exactly what happened when it was the best I ever had. Ok, so back to the bad sex story. I know it was mean but I fought back a chuckle. I said, "Well, it's not the best I have ever had, at this time, the best it had ever been was with a jerk I "saw" for a little while. He then proceeds to tell me it was the best he ever had and what was the best I ever had. Whew. I went on to explain, but I will leave out the graphic details since it has been exceedingly better since.

The last straw was the time Amanda and Tim were house sitting for his rich aunt and uncle. We were all sitting in the hot tub, watching Stephen Lynch and talking about WOW. See how rowdy my get togethers are. Anyway, he gets out of the tub. We all think he is going to the bathroom or something. No, he is sitting by himself inside. He came outside like 20 minutes later and says he is leaving. I went inside and asked why. He said he felt he was not included enough in the situation and he was going home. No joke. I said ok and let him go. Maybe I should have been more considerate. I was 22 then. He could legally drink and he was whining about not being included in a conversation, upset enough that he went home and pouted. Again, I say, "Really?"

So yes, you could say that I am a horrible person and mean. If you knew me, you would know this is not the case. In these cases, the person with the more experience, in my case, experienced in dating and overall social skills, is portrayed as the bad person. Would you say this is the case here?

The Game of Love

Things have been pretty exciting lately. It's funny. The friends around me are all going through different stages current;y in their life......but I suppose that's life right? One friend is getting married, one already married, one possibly ending a 5 year long relationship, and then there's me. I'm taking the next big step and moving in with Ryan. I think it's exciting. I haven't lived with anyone in about 2 years.....well a boyfriend anyway. The last time I was this happy was well...I'm not even sure if I can say with Cameron because I really don't know if I'm happier with Ryan....I think I am. Ryan gets me. It's like I used to sit and think about how I wanted to be treated, what I wanted a guy to say, to do, to not do. It's like he does all those things. I always used to complain that guys always like my friends or I'm their second choice but Ryan has liked me for months before we went out and he kept trying...I love that. I think had I said yes earlier I don't think it would have worked out because I would have missed out on such valuable lessons. He text me today to ask me how my day was. He surprised me with flowers and the best part, the part that makes me think he might be the one for me is that he is strong where I am weak. He pushes me in the areas I can improve and won't let me get away with things that other people do.

I think that if people truly care for you, they will tell you when you're wrong. They will push you just enough to watch you succeed, but in the end you will know that it was you that accomplished those goals.

Too often have I been an enabler, as I'm frequently called. I push people in areas I think they need help, but it is me that is doing all the work, when I leave, they crumble. With Ryan, he pushes me to do things on my own, if he were ever to leave, and I hope he won't, I would feel motivated, stronger, and keeping in line with the building metaphor, restructured and more supported.

So, let's start with the beginning...shall we?



It's funny, with Cameron, the thought of marriage never crossed my mind until he popped the question. I was happy in that moment and I said yes. If I could have frozen that moment in time, it would have worked, but the fact of the matter is he was what I needed then, but not forever. I needed him to live my spirits and let me know that not all men are like Luis.

With Luis I learned that you can't make someone who and what you want them to be. People are who they are and will only change and better themselves if it is what they want to do. I learned that I need to stick up for myself. I learned that everyone has good in them but some people have been so hurt that they will not allow themselves to be helped. We can only do so much for people until it takes so much out of us that we lose who we really are. Cameron was in most ways the complete opposite of Luis.

I needed Cameron to feel pretty and loved and most of all have fun. I needed surprises. I needed excitement. Cameron was still a boy waiting to grow up. He had his childhood basically taken from him and so when he ventured out onto his own, the world was just a playground for him. He needed to be wild, let it out. He was not ready to settle down and who knows if and when he will ever be. He has changed. I have changed. We are not the people who we were then, but if it was not for him, Ben would have broken me.

I realized to that I needed Ben. Ben taught me what cheating feels like. I learned that you don't have to physically do anything with someone else to be cheating. Sometimes, talking, looks, thoughts can be just as bad or maybe worse. Ben taught me how I wronged Cameron. I never did anything with Aaron but the amount that we hung out, the way I spoke of him, the way I thought about him made it very clear. I can say that I wasn't happy in that relationship. I can say a lot of things but I think I needed to be hurt and feel how Ben made me feel to truly learn my lesson. And as with any lesson learned, it's always 3 times harder done to me than I did to them. I'm still to this day dealing with the crap Ben put me through. I'm still living with my mistake. But....as everything man related in my life is tied....so is the situation with Ben. Had Ben not cheated on me, I never would have met Ryan.

I met Ryan through Bryce. They are roommates. They are roommates because Bryce's ex cheated on him, so he left the apartment they had together and got a roommate. He was cheated on by his ex because she was cheating with Ben. I met Bryce over the phone when I called to talk to Ben about breaking the lease. Bryce and I began talking because, well we were in the exact situation with the same people even. I hated his ex, he hated mine. He paid for her kid, I paid for Ben's. We became friends and he introduced me to Ryan. I was hating men at this time and didn't want to talk to any guy. I looked at my message from Ryan back in June of '08 that asked how to add me as a friend. We didn't start dating til October of '08. He kept trying. Apparently he felt I was worth it. :)

I remember it like it was yesterday....ok totally cliche but really I have a vivid memory. Anywho, I was at Regal. It was Ciera's birthday and a guy she was not that into (a subtle reference) was there throwing a big to do. He had Big Daddy stop the music so we could sing. There was cake, shots of tequila and a furry gorilla...I think it was a gorilla. I was having shots of tequila remember, I'm amazed I remember this much. Anyway, I was there talking to Ryan. I was saying, "look, there is me...well me in guy form. He likes her, he does all he can and yet she doesn't want him".....(I'm taking a time out here....I agree with Ciera, but at this time, this is how I felt, so bear with me. Ciera, I love you) ok, so I'm saying, "this is always how it happens, one person is infatuated and one can't stand the other. This is why I'm alone. No one wants me, they want my friends." Just then I got a glimpse of this guy Jeremy from highschool. I told Ryan, "I used to like this guy and we were great friends but watch. I will walk up to him and he will have no idea of who I am." Ryan thought I was wrong but I wasn't. To make a long story short, I kept on drunken babbling to him. He left around midnight. I left around two and I called him, as he had said before he left, "You have my number, you should use it sometime."
He talked to me the entire way home and I realized he was not just a goofy guy like I had thought. He was more. We went on a date and that was it. I was smitten.....


forgive me for the sudden jump to the future but this is my finishing previous draft day.... I smiled when I read this. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. What I remember the most was on our first date I said, "When I meet a guy, I'm pretty much just waiting for it to suck." It was totally true. He said he wasn't in a hurry and here we are. I love him more than any guy ever. I think he's the one. I could see having kids with him....in due time.

As I read about the crappy guys up top, I got tense in my back, reading about Ryan relaxed me and I believe that to be a metaphor for my dating life so far.

Relationships

Amanda and I were talking the other morning over breakfast about relationships. We talked about how people demand more of their significant other than they do of their friends or relatives. People are just people, we all have relatively the same limitations and can carry relatively the same workload but people tend to expect more from the ones we choose to spend our lives with.

Tying into the previous statement, we also talked about how people seem quick to anger with a loved one about petty things that might not have bothered us if it were someone else. It seems to me that we put our lovers up on pedestals and assume they are capable of knowing exactly what we want at all times and seem to expect nothing less.

I think the biggest key to any successful relationship is communication and comprimising. I think people are sometimes afraid to communicate their needs. I think sometimes it may be quite the contrary. Some people are far too eager to share how and when, in detail, they want things. For this reason, comprimising is equally as important. Relationships are give and take. Sometimes the happiness of others might be more valuable than your own. We can't have everything we want all the time. If we got everything we wanted all the time we would be easily bored. The best part of any relationship are the surprises. I would much rather have someone show me love and affection in their own way than in the exact way I want it.

This brings me to my next and final point. Katrina had told me about this book called the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I just started reading it but it's great. It's all about how there are 5 different ways to express love and how some relationships don't work because the people in them are basically speaking a different love language. It's fascinating but as I am still only a little ways into it, I will elaborate on i another time...

Ryan

What can I say... I'm falling and falling fast. I think it was this past weekend that really felt like a milestone for me in our relationship. We met for lunch Saturday then went roller skating at Skateland. I was supposed to go with Shantae but she bailed out last minute so it was just Ryan, Alicia and I. Ryan knows how to skate, Alicia and I really don't very much. It was fun goofing around with Alicia and it was funny when I fell....it HAD to happen right in front of Ryan, for optimum laughs :( But it was nice. We had a blast. Then we went home and Ryan and I made dinner...by this I mean that he did the majority of it, I offered help with minimal things like salad and slicing things. But I think it was the idea of family that really made the difference for me. We sat at the table and had dinner then Alicica and I did the dishes. She gave me a hug right before she went to bed. I think I might be approaching the L word, in fact I know I am and it scares the hell out of me. I really like Ryan, he is a great guy but I'm terrified and what better a day I have this morning....

I thought I heard Ryan say I love you this morning when he kissed me and left for work. I was asleep so it took a minute for it to process. I awoke a few minutes later with this warm happy feeling inside. I immediately called him and asked him if I heard him right. I asked him what he said and he just said he said have a good day and he would see me later... I called him to say I love you too.

So now I'm confused... was it a Freudian slip? was I hearing what I wanted to hear? was he afraid to tell him the truth in case it wasn't reciprocal? was it really an accident?

I then watched Bride Wars today and it was a comedy but one girl was faced with the question of if the guy she was marrying was right for her and this is near and dear to me cuz of the Cameron situation. I'm deathly afraid of making a mistake again. I don't want to get so close to someone to be hurt again. What's more I get a message from Cameron and Ben today. One on myspace and one on facebook. Neither were anything like lets get back together. Cameron asked how I was and told me about his new girlfriend, Ben asked me just some food for though questions about times when we were together. This isn't weird to me because I found myself pondering things after we split too and it didn't mean I wanted to reconcile anything.

I'm really happy where I am, and who I'm with. I asked Ryan if he saw us being together for awhile and he said that was the plan. :)