...

Times are hard, but I see the silver lining, I've had a great week, despite a few bumps and sticky situations along the way, Im happy, truly becoming happy, moving on.......finally, completely, I feel Im ready now, to move on and not look back, it sucks that it takes so much, its hard to try not to care. A chapter of my life has been completed, its on to the next. Who knows who will be there with me to fill this chapter, I don't know, really I do at least know who wont be there. There's a few that I question and others there is NO question. I know who I love and who loves me, and that's all I need to know. Im happy where I am, happy with who I am, and most of all happy with who I am becoming. I know me regardless of what others tell me. They clearly don't know me if they can say the things they say and act the way they act. It's time for actiopn, time to not let those who can affect me have so much affect. I will always love those whom I've loved, but there's a time we "outgrow the roles we play" as one of my favorite musicians would say, there's a time to move on a time to grow up and move forward, the time is now, I knowI'm ready.

a little poker, a little suicide

So my weekend is pretty much packed, which is odd for me, I hardly have plans....


No idea where I was going with this but it was 8/07. I played poker then???? Interesting

Dont let the assholes get you down!

Why stay? Who cares? Does it really matter? It doesnt feel like the people in general really have that much empathy or sympathy or basic caring at all for those around them, it's about "what's best for me" and that's crap. Maybe I need to adopt more to this philosophy, but why change myself for those who dont give a DAMN what happens to anyone but themselves. I'm sick and tired of it. I know who my true friends are, I know who really cares, and I know who I care about and screw everyone else.......... I knwo it's a bit harsh, but I'm so sick and tired. I really do care about my friends I truly do. People mean more to me than anything else in this freakin world. A wise man once told me, why surround yourself around those things that make you unhappy. Another wise man told me to get all the crap out of my life, if something or some one isnt treating me right then screw them. It's the best philosophy, and my dad, yet another wise man always used to say "DONT LET THE ASSHOLES GET YOU DOWN" Easier said than done dad. But really that's the approach you must take in life. Don't let the things you can't control affect you. It's hard, but you can't let the negativity in life engulf you or you will perish. It's funny, I've been more productive than ever today at work, I've done my normal workload before lunch. Ha! Im sad, down and somewhat depressed today, but Im productive, ever heard the term "throw yourself into your work" well that's me today, I wish I could depart on my journey today. I'm done, done trying, done caring. It's time to leave this life behind and start anew. I can't leave now, I wish I could, but I can't. Too many obligations, I used to look at them as security, now they are the little annoyances I deal with constantly. I hate everything around me right now. I do nothing that brings me joy. Last nightI spent the night with the coolest girl I know, sure, I have to clean up her poop, but it's ok. That's prob the happiest I've been in awhile.....wow, pretty sad huh. Well, I hope my journey comes sooner than later, until then back to my mundane life.............................

self esteem

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practice all the things I would say
But she came overI lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I’m being used
That’s okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she’s playing with me
That’s okay cause I got no self esteem


We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
All this rejection’s got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her no


Chorus
When she’s saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she’s saying that I’m like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should speak up for myself
But I really think it’s better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care
Right?
yeah yeah yeah


Now I’ll relate this little bit
That happens more than I’d like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go
I may be dumb
But I’m not a dweeb
I’m just a sucker with no self esteem

so, here i am, starting over...... ugh..... I hate starting over. I get to be me... I get to do whatever I want, more or less, whenever I want, more or less. I'm living with Alex again, or should I say, for the first time, he was living with me prior. Im happy, sure I live in a one bedroom apt with my friend and his dad, have to share a bed, but I'm happy. I dont need a lot of room, nice things, my own room. All I need is security, food, and affection. I have a place to live, a good paying job, a car, food, and a best friend, a few really, Alex, Maddie and Amber, without these three I wouldn't be here, where I am today. I chopped off my hair and dyed it, Im ready for a change, ready to actually be 21, to actually experience life. Twice I almost gave up my youth for a guy, once I almost regret, and the other for the best. I still kind of feel alone, in a way, I dont have that love that only a significant other can give. But with Alex, I have an unmatched bond I really dont think I can get elsewhere. He gets me, I get him, I can cry to him, play videogames with him, gossip about guys, whatever. And he looks out for me, and hasn't EVER tried to get fresh, in fact quite the contrary.....long story....... if you really know me, you know the story, so for those that don't........ get to know me better... HA!, anyways. I go into this kinda scared, but happy and optimistic at the same time. I've only regretted one thing in my life. Probably the biggest mistake of my life, again, you'd know if you really knew me............ I dont know how to rectify it, is it beyond my grasp, I'm not sure, I dont want it to be..... maybe its time to let bygones be bygones. I dont think im ready for that tho. Maybe I have to be, maybe thats the larger lesson, maybe im supposed to suffer some, who knows..... I dont. Truth is Im scared to let go, maybe there's really nothing better, maybe I really screwed up. Maybe no one cares. Who knows. I dont, do you?

my life as told by radiohead

two jumps in a week i bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
flying on your motorcycle.
watching all the ground beneath you drop.
you'd kill yourself for recognition.
kill yourself to never ever stop.
you broke another mirror.
you're turning into something you are not.
don't leave me high
don't leave me dry
don't leave me high
don't leave me dry
drying up in conversation
you will be the one who cannot talk.
all your insides fall to pieces.
you just sit there wishing you could still make love.
they're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out.
they're the ones who'll spit at you.
you will be the one screaming out.
don't leave me high
don't leave me dry
don't leave me high
don't leave me dry
it's the best thing that you ever had.
The best thing you've had is gone away.
don't leave me high
don't leave me dry

June 28th

How do you know,
Which way to go
How many lies,
Ok,
Maybe not lies.
How many half truths?
Where is the line?
Between
Honest and lie
Who determines this line
What makes them
Qualified
I've tried to just hide
And not look at the problems
Seeing the world
Through rose colored glasses
Time passes,
The glasses crack,
And bend, and break.
It shakes me up
To be so blind
To this world
So weak
So naïve
Like a newborn
Brought screaming into this life
To a world not ready
If I am so great
Why do I hate
Myself at times
Things suck
Why should I dwell
On those who do not give a fuck
I care…..
Why do I
There is no need
I just need to feed
This monkey on my back
People pleaser
That's me
Other's happiness
Before my own
I zone
Out and think of the bliss
Everyday I miss
Must find it on my own
No one
I feel
Can love me
The way I love them
I fear
More than anything
Myself
Or the lack thereof
Who am I
Do you know
I try
Not to let it show
I'm lost
Im playing polo
Without my marco
Just waiting
To be found
I do not feel
I ever will be
Just lost
Aimlessly
In this so called life
I'm just a stepford
Except not a wife

ninety-?

"It's a bittersweet symphony, this life."

If You Must

It's important to practice good hygiene
At least if you wanna run with my team
I'm bout to get into some shit that I've seen
This fool's breath, I mean so bad it'll melt your ice cream
They say don't say nothing if you can't say nice things
Sittin too close to him it burned(?) like my eyes sting
I try to be subtle, hand him a stick of gum
I was a victim of breath on him
Running his yap about what sets he from
Gotta get some gum gotta get him some
He turned it down, his teeth was brown
Excruciating for him and it was a new sensation
I had to ask the dope to pass the soap
Cuz his toe had the sniff of crustaceans
Or bathrooms in a bus station
He had a can of Olde E and some raisins
Amazing... head to toe B.O.
He didn't know, used to the fragrance
Just as the days went without bathing
He felt manly and not like a maiden
He had one dread, and fungus
Said he worked on peoples' toilets with plungers
Girls let the guy you were with ????
So guys take your cue from this number

You gotta wash your ass, if you mustYou gotta wash your hair, if you mustYou gotta brush your teeth, if you mustOr else you'll be funkyyyyyyyy

Now at class you need total concentration
But there's kids in the back holdin conversations
Crackin on each other, and neither were poster boys
Both of em smell like the type that soap avoids
Coast and Joy, they leave their absence
One's fool's feet smelled like it struck some matchsticks
Brimstone, girls would never bring him home
I was laughin, then his friend raised his tone
And said, "Bud(?) you rolled all over yourself" "yeaaa"
I know some people your ass should be submerged
Like you need to deal with water cuz you smell like a turd
Wanna cap get some courage, your feet smell lurid
Well look it up
And while you're at it, get a cup
And squeeze the sweat out your sweatshirt and drink it or gargle
You get our vote for most stinkiest
That nigga started thinkin of shit, said I was frailI said he was stale
Underarms is ripe
Undergarments tight, about to leap out your holy sweats
And we holdin bets, and after this I'm gonna collect
Nigga check, yourself
Respect yourself
And wash your mothafuckin body 'fore your sweatshirt melt
Like radioactive, no lady find you attractive
The funk got you captive
You don't need a map bitch

You gotta wash your ass, if you mustYou gotta wash your hair, if you mustYou gotta brush your teeth, if you mustOr else you'll be funkyyyyyyyy

- Del, The Funky Homosapien

What's a reading mall?

Pennsylvannia was a blast. I saw squirrels and bunnies, played volleyball, football, drank seagrams, ate some good home made food, got to meet like 30-40 possible inlaws. Everyone was nice, I got to sleep in EVERY day, go bargain shopping, hang out with Maddie and Ben's parents. Get lost on the way back from my philly cheesesteak. Spend a ton of money and have a blast. It was what I feel i needed to get back on my feet. Now I'm full time work (with a promotion), online school, and helpin my babe take care of his little goober, and no money. Suprisingly enoguh Im optimistic, I'm happy, and I think together we will pull through. Im happy where I am, with you I am, and with who I'm with. I really do love Ben. He's been a very positive influence in my life. I wouldn't be able to be where I am now if it weren't for him.

from chaos comes clarity

I'm so excited to start school online. I miss that part of me, things have been hard for me lately, I feel as though I have been taking it out on those near me, and it's not fair, I don't mean to. I feel bad for it. I think that going back to school will perk me up a bit and help me get that part of me back, help me be ok with me and where I am and what I'm doing. I always fixate myself on solving other peoples problems that rarely deal with mine. I spoke to my mom last night and it was awesome, for once she helped me, unbiasedly and actually got me thinking clearly, about myself. She's always telling me to look out for me and not other people so much, which is funny cuz I learned this from her.... HA! She's the same way, but she got me to see that it's not that people around me are letting me down, I'm letting me down. I'm not wiling to help myself do anything, and that's horrible. I've lost my motivation, my drive, my ability to pick myself up and just be happy, and that is no one's responsibility but my own. She told me that I have so many people who care about me: family, my friends, and most of all, Ben. She said that she's always been astounded by my ability to pick myself up when most people would just quit, and she said she doesn't know anyone else who cares about the well being of others more than I do. She really made me feel better, it's really amazing to me, she's always helped me when I'm said, but last night I realized what's been wrong with me these past few months, and I'm trying...... I know the problem now. I think getting back in school and taking dance will help me do something for me....... I promise babe, I'm trying....... I promise that I won't ever stop caring or trying with us.

:) :)

Yesterday I spent the day with Ben and Kaylyn, it was SO much fun, we had a blast, Ben has really made this transition easy for me which is amazing considering everything he's got on his plate. I really appreciate him, I am totally looking forward to the court decision, I can't wait. She's a blast, and it's an amazing feeling knowing that we are going to be able to shape another human being, teaching her morals, values, ethics.........everything. Obviously it won't be just us, her mom and whoever she's with will as well. It's just an amazing feeling knowing you directly have that much of an effect on how someone views the world, views disappointment, happiness, views hardships, views anything that life will throw at her, it's a huge responsibility, but it's one I look forward to, I am glad that I can be a part of it. I really appreciate being able to be a part of it :) And I have Ben to thank for that :)

Quote for Ben & Kathy

"In the past I've been obsessed with things that have already happened, are going to happen or might happen. And I've gotten used to the fact that there seems to always be some place I'd rather be." -Conor Oberst

...

"The Dancer believes that his art has something to say which cannot be expressed in words or in any other way than by dancing... there are times when the simple dignity of movement can fulfill the function of a volume of words. There are movements which impinge upon the nerves with a strength that is incomparable, for movement has power to stir the senses and emotions, unique in itself. This is the dancer's justification for being, and his reason for searching further for deeper aspects of his art." ~Doris Humphrey, 1937

i miss it.......... i miss the part of me i could express through dance, i miss the fun, the laughter, the hard work ,the dedication, i miss knowing that I could make something so beautiful and be graceful and beautiful if only for that moment. I just miss it........

:)

Last night was fun. It's been awhile since we've had people over, awhile since I've really been social. It started off kinda weird, i guess most gatherings kinda do, but i had fun. I wish everyone would just come all at once, instead of little by little, but it's always that way i suppose. I'm just glad I have such good friends, that still come through for me when they could probably be out somewhere getting totally drunk like most 21 year olds. It's just not for me, I feel as though I kinda lost those years,I kinda skipped them. I really think it started with my ex. I moved out, got engaged, got unengaged, and then was kinda forced to grow up when I fell on my butt cuz I statred needing to pay real bills. On one hand it's a blessing and at the same time a curse. Oh well, I'm happy where I am. :) Happy with who I am, and happy with where I'm going. I feel good :) We are going to watch Spiderman at my recent former job. Yikes, technically I still haven't quit or been fired, so we'll see how that goes, I will probably get stopped (if I'm seen) and be told, we are going to need to talk....... But what can they say, you with your money there, leave we don't want your money......yea right, I mean come on, it's Harkins, that's gonna happen. I really want a bunch of people to come tonight, I kinda miss the old days, going out with a group of people, having a bunch of people to talk to..... Just having fun. Don't get me wrong I have fun now, just different kinds of fun. Ben and I have a lot of fun joking around, playing games, movies, whatever. No matter what he can always make me smile. :) See......just thinking about him.... :) I'm really excited to see Kaylyn this weekend, she's SO cute and SO much fun, it's awesome, I love to see how he's SO happy when he's with her. Truly happy. Im learning the guitar, I really like it a lot, Ben's SO good, and I like learning something from him, he looks so cute when he's trying to show me.......... I suck tho. Hopefully I will get better tho! :)

Patience is a Virtue

I've come to the realization that I am not a very patient person, not necessarily when it comes to serious things, but things I want. This isn't a good thing, but how do you learn patience, it takes patience to learn something, so how do you learn patience. Perhaps there is no hope for me yet. Oh well. I can't wait for school, the opportunity to use my brain, learn new things, better myself, get me outta this funk. I'm only taking online classes for the summer, but I think it will help break me in, I know i can be more. I feel as though my adolescence is ending and now I have to be an adult. I use to fantasize about being a dance teacher. When I was younger, though, for as long as I can remember I actually wanted to be a pediatrician. I want this so bad because I love children, helping people and making a difference. I felt confident, went to seminars, found financial aid info, the whole nine yards, but then, in my junior year I thought dance teacher. I have never been as passionate about anything in my life, I love dancing, without it I feel like part of me is missing, but over the last few years I realized. I need to do things for me, but ultimately what do I want. I want a family. I want a good man to love, adorable children, a real life. If that's the case how to I get there? I need a good job, I need to be responsible for myself and the ones I love, and that means that my passion can't be my job, I won't make enough money at it. It doesn't mean it can't be a part of my life though. If I go back into my original goal, medicine I can afford to build a room for me to dance in, it wont' be the same, but really what's more important, a dream or reality? If I go for dance, which I still could, I will be happy and have a family, but I might end up having to work two jobs, then I have my passion, dance, but not my love, my family. I'm really torn. I know I'm going to choose nursing, but it kinda makes me sad, like I'm letting myself down, but I think that when you're young dreams are dreams, very few of us can actually make a decent living at what they love. And even those few "lucky" individuals have to sacrifice something, it's like to the song Ben's always listening to by Brother Ali that talks about him going on the road, he says it's for his kid but he doesn't believe its entirely true. (Ben's a lot better at working in music quotes than me..........oh well, I tried) I feel that as I grow older I start to think more about what will make me happy in the long run rather than just today. I think I'm better for it and I can tell those around me that I love are happy that I'm going into nursing. On one hand it feels like this was a period of almost self-exploration and it's coming to a close, and it's sad, but I think it will make me a better, stronger, more responsible person. I know the change is happening gradually, I can't wait for the day, when I'm completely self-reliant and can stand on my own two feet, without my family's help, although I do love them so and appreciate them. I want independence, I want a career, I want to prepare for my life. I was so lost for so long, I couldn't see the bigger picture. I feel now that I can. I can't take all the credit for this epiphany, I really think that Ben has had a lot to do with me growing up, I really appreciate him. My head was in the clouds, but now I feel as though I"m seeing clearly for the first time in a long time.

LongView

Lately my life has seemed like the Green Day song.

I GOT NO MOTIVATION WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION NO TIME FOR THE MOTIVATION SMOKING MY INSPIRATION

Yea, that hits a little too close to home. When I try to stay motivated, I become more motivated, less depressed, and accomplish more, so why can't I just do it? It's always hard, but gratifying. I need to get out of my funk, I need obstacles, I need to struggle, these things, I just realized keep me being me. I will always take on more than I think I can handle, more than other people think I can handle, the weird thing is, that's when I'm the happiest, when I have to fight for any free second I get. It's weird, I know. I'm easily inspired and pretty well focused once I set my mind to something. I just need to find my groove again, I tihnk I will make it.........do you?

AHHHHHH

its ridiculously busy here at work today, i only have 2 more minutes on my break, it sucks, there's SO much to do, so little time. Tomorrow I meet my little sister Shantay, not sure how to spell that, I'm excited and scaried, I'm supposed to be the role model.... hmmph, i dont even know if I would look upto me. :(

Sea Lion

There was once a 13 year old girl, surfing in Australia, who was attacked by a 880 lb. Sea Lion. The Sea Lion was trying to play with her and someone got hurt. It was the girl. She now has a broken jaw and is sanz 3 teeth. This is a story worthy of the "World News Leader."

www.cnn.com

Devil's Spit

I recently started my second job at Harkins, it sucks, but how fun can fetching popcorn be? I get free movies which i love. I really mean it, I LOVE movies, it's the only reason i stay there. I went to Famous Dave's last night during my lunch at Harkins and talked to my old friend Jeremy, I had a few drinks and talked to some old friends at Famous Dave's. To be honest, I loved my job at Famous Dave's. I met people on a daily basis, made good money, had good friends. I mean, after all, it was Jeremy that got me to dump my old boyfriend, the crazy verbally abusive one "Luis". He didn't tell me to per se, but he opened my eyes to the abusiveness and heartache I was facing every day for nearly two years. So I decided to end it, that's when I met the next crazy one. They all knew him, which is my conflict with this decision. I left Famous Dave's because of him "Cameron", they all thought he was too out there and weird and even scary...yes SCARY for me. But it was an act, yes he was different, but nice. Well, to an extent, very naive and imature, not right at all for me, but nonetheless, I left the job I loved, which I had held steadily for nearly a year and a half, to this downward spiral of only working at jobs for a couple weeks, calling in all the time, fleeing from my obligations, not paying my bills or filing my taxes, which I am now trying to recover from, its hard, it really is. It was nice, an escape from reality, but that's all it was in the end.... fleeting. I'm not stuck with the reality, I'm grossly in debt, filing back taxes for which I'm sure I will owe penalties... at least for state, and stuck with crappy credit that wont go away for 7 years and unpaid student loans, that I only owe on cuz I also droppped out of school during this spell. I resent myself for being SO irresponsible, for awhile I resented him too, but it's not him, I let myself get caught up in something that wasn't in my best interest because it was fun and then
I tried to help motivate him and help him, it took all my stamina and motivation and for what? nothing. My mom's right, I need to look out for my best interests, and that's what I'm trying to do now. As I digress, with Famous Dave's, it scares me, I would like to try it out again, I love serving, but I'm taking on so much responsiblity,and I don't know if serving is the best option for a secong job, on one hand it would be a heck of a lot more money, and I think that would help me with a social outlet, but just being there yesterday, people asking questions about my "former life" was off putting. That's the reason I quit, his life is NOT my life, now more than ever. I'm sure if I went back it would eventually go away, after awhile anyways. I want to go in with Ben, because my life now is better, it's with him, its more focused, more responsible, more ..... well better. I want him to get to know all these people that were nice to me, there for me, good friends to me. They are good people, and I'm happy with Ben, I'm happy with my life now, I feel like if I bring him there, I just might be able to feel more comfortable there, not constantly being reminded of a time, frankly, I just don't want to be reminded of. I know I'm scared to go back. I really enjoyed it, all the reasons I left are gone, no more mean rude managers, no more crazy ex or crazy boyfriend, just the job I used to love. I like serving, I loved it there, heck it's where I met a lot of my good friends, Jeremy, Sarah, and Lauren. They are still my friends after like 3 or 4 years. That's a long time for co-worker friendships. I'm torn, that's my problem lately, I'm not sure where I'm going, I just know where I've been and I don't want to go back to. I have a good steady job I like and I feel i'm good at. I just don't know where to go from here. I liked the upbeat atmosphere of Famous Dave's cuz let's face it, I'm an upbeat person....most of the time.

whistle while you work?

i don't know where the idea of being cheerful because you are working came from, but nonetheless, I've been pretty content while at work lately. I'm working two jobs one at DHL attempting to refrain from screaming at customers who are calling to ship a package to/from Haiti, and at Harkins, helping customer obtain the smallest amount of butter on their truckload of popcorn, along with their 5 pounds of candy and large diet coke, because you know thet are tryig to watch their figure............. they don't need to EVERYONE else can see it. But, I'm not bitter, I am tired tho. Ben and I FINALLY broke some ground on cleaning our apartment while inadvertantly dodging the Mormons who helped us move in our bigass entertainment center. I don't think I'm a bad person for avoiding them am I? It would really be a waste of mine and their time...... no matter what they say, I enjoy my occasional Smirnoff, and I'm not going to "drink the water." I've had my fill of the Mormon influence, thank you. Things have been picking up, I'm going to start school soon, become a Big Sister, and have a little one running around here pretty soon, I'm happy where I am, where we are. I look forward to all the upcoming challenges, I think it will help me to become the responsible adult I so long to be. I need to grow up more. I want to be self-relient, and be the one my family comes to when they run a little short on cash, not the other way around. I want to get in touch with my friends, I just really want to get back in touch with my life.......... So for now, I guess, I will just wait....... wait for things to get better...... I just hope it comes soon.